Children: The Best Form of Birth Control February 22, 2009
Posted by Stephanie in Boys, Everything, general hilarity, Seattle, WTF?!.Tags: Boys, children, dogs, family, kids, movies, toilet paper
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When it comes to children and I, we understand one another: I generally don’t like them, and they certainly don’t like me. There are two kids on this planet who don’t irritate the hell out of me–for the most part. Those two kids are my nephews, aged 6 and 3. And this weekend, they came to visit.
The highlight of the weekend COULD have been the genuinely pleasent meal that we had at Red Robin, wherein the youngest ate all of his dinner, and they both politely asked the waitress for balloons before we left. (And I might add that the waitress was amazing with them). Or, the highlight could have been when the oldest started bawling during “Hotel for Dogs”…because he was worried about all the puppies. But it wasn’t. Instead, the highlight of my weekend went like this:
G: (calling from the bathroom) AUNTIE! You need more paper!
ME: More paper? What do you mean?
G: More toilet paper!
ME: What?!*
*At this point, I am confused: the night before, I’d put a brand new double-roll in the toilet paper holder. There was no WAY we could be out already. I go into the bathroom where G still sits on the toilet and, sure enough, the paper roll is empty.
ME: Where did all the paper go, G?
G: Points behind his bum into the toilet bowl.
ME: All of it?! Lemme see…
G leans forward so I can see into the toilet bowl–which is FILLED with soggy toilet paper.
ME: You used ALL the toilet paper? Why?
G: (holding up both his hands in exasperation) I had to take a really BIG poop!
I died.
On Valentine’s Day February 14, 2009
Posted by Stephanie in Boys, Everything, general hilarity.Tags: candy, dates, dating, flowers, funny, hearts, holidays, men, movies, popularity, relationships, romance, Valentinte's Day
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While St. Valentine may have been a real person (and a Saint, no less), the holiday named after him is–in my opinion–a sham. I can count on one hand all of the times that I’ve actually had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day…that is, if that hand was nothing but a bloody stump, with no fingers on it at all.
Remember when celebrating Valentine’s Day was a mandatory thing back in grade school? Back then, you were required to give everyone in the class a Valentine. BUT that didn’t stop you from sifting through all your Valentine cards ahead of time to find the “best” ones to pair up with the biggest pieces of candy to give to your real friends. And the one meant for your crush? Well, that Valentine card had to speak VOLUMES about your deep love for them…without, of course, revealing your deep love for them.
The older you got, the number of Valentine’s that a person received said something very different about them. Instead of saying “We’re all equal…here, have a piece of candy!”, it said:
While there’s nothing wrong with those who choose to celebrate the holiday with flowers, candy, and a romantic evening out, I’ve just always been of the opinion that one shouldn’t need a holiday as an excuse to do those things. After all, a boquet of flowers somehow says more when it’s delivered out of the blue on a Tuesday, than when it’s expected. Or worse yet, when it’s expected and doesn’t arrive at all.
So on this Valentine’s day, instead of lamenting over my singlehood or stressing over whether my “man” will extend the right romantic gesture, I’ll be spending the evening with my girlfriends. We’ll be gorging ourselves on buttery popcorn and sugary sweets while basking in the glow of “He’s Just Not That Into You” at the local movie theatre. Because THAT is my idea of a great date. And I don’t have to worry about some sloppy kiss at the end of the night.
Win – Win.
